Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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