She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
