i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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