I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
