Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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