She said her name was "party"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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