News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
