Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
