I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
