I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
