The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
