i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
