I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
