you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize