Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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