3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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