I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
