Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
