im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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