Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
