hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
