WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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