Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
