I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
