hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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