Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
