I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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