Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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