Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you didnt know i had herpes?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize