dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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