Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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