I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
