I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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