I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
