wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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