he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
