Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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