Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
