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I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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