i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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