just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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