This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
