eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
