Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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