I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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