The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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