You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize