I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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