you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
someone owes me an orgasm
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
