so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
