Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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