Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
