god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
