can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
