She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
